Grief. It thought I knew about it. But, I didn't. It has a new face. My father died, my grandparents died, my mother died, my sister died. Now my son has died. All the grief rolled up into one - then multiplied by a factor of 100 - maybe that's close.
From a pamphlet published online: http://ambulance.nsw.gov.au/health-public-affairs/publications/suicide/foldercontents.pdf
One surviving mother says
“We survivors are like amputees. We know that a part of ourselves is
gone but our minds and our bodies haven’t compensated for this loss
yet. So we have to rehabilitate like the amputee and accept that we do
it in stages, over time. Be fair on ourselves by knowing that we will
have to do some of our living differently using what we have left.”
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Grieving
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My thoughts of brian seem to be a little selfish on my part. I find myself wishing more that anything that I could sit down with brian one more time and share a moment over a cup of coffee. I wish I could see his face and hear his voice one more time. I wish I could hug him one more time. I wish I could tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him one more time.
ReplyDeletelove,
cheryl
(little sister)
Yesterday Dad and I stopped by the railroad tracks. We found "the spot" by the pile of railroad ties and stubs of left over candles on the tie. The wax writing is fading but you can still make it out. The first one says SDLXIV - Brian's screen name. The next two say "We love you, Brian". The rain has washed away any other evidence that Brian was there. That's probably a good thing.
ReplyDeleteDad picked out a bunch of light colored rock and put them on the rocks on the side of the tracks in the shape of an arrow pointing to the spot so that it will be easier to find from the side.
I've been finding thoughts and memories of brian all around me in simple things like colors and smells. I've also been realizing how alike brian and I are even though our lives are so different. I can see why he likes miles davis so much. I recently bought my first cd and it's as though it speaks to my soul. We've always shared a passion for art. Just a little bit different style. I sure miss him a lot.
ReplyDeletelove,
cheryl
(little sister)
Cheryl,
ReplyDeleteI thought of you when I read this article and the reference it makes to grief being triggered by sights and smells.
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/self/emotional-wellness/grief-coping?s_kwcid=grief|948549354
Love you,
Mom
It seems that real grief begins when you start to get on with your life, minus your loved one. I didn't see Brian regularly...in fact, only every few years if that. But I knew he was there...at my folk's house or his apartment. I knew he'd likely be around on holidays. After the funeral, when I got back home to Wisconsin, and returned to my routine, I did't miss him. My routine hadn't changed because he was gone. But I realized that I would think of him as being home, only to realize he wasn't. So I suppose the gap in my life is a mental one. But I believe he's out there somewhere, taking care of things, so that knowledge fills in my empty space...for the most part.
ReplyDelete